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Those are the words that my LLMD said to me last week. “We’re finally winning.” I can’t even begin to describe what hearing that was like. I heard the words; I smiled. But those fantastic words didn’t sink in right away. I felt… like I was staring down a beautiful cliff, unsure of what I was doing there and what I should be feeling – awe from the spectacular view or fear from being so close to the edge.
I was talking to another Lyme friend of mine recently about how hard it is to trust those words I was told. Here’s a snippet of what I said, “I haven’t ever lost hope of recovery, but somehow this feels different now. It’s not sometime in the future. It’s starting right now. I want to accept that gratefully, but I’m still protecting myself from the possibility I’ll get worse again. It’s a fine line…”.
Like I said, I have never lost hope. I believe that we will all find days of health ahead of us as we recover from these life-altering infections. We will.
However in order to function each day, in order to allow myself to put one step in front of the other, I do have a wall of protection that I keep up. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe not. I don’t know. But I know that it’s there.
I think it was the day after my appointment that they finally began to sink in. I gleefully told my acupuncturist about it the next morning, and I remember the joy in the conversation. I could feel my face light up. That was the first moment it felt real. I hope I never forget that feeling!
Now I think I’ve accepted the fact that I am actually improving. I’m not feeling much of a change in my symptoms, but I can only hope that soon my body will catch up and give me a much-needed break!
I haven’t blogged much this year. I simply haven’t felt up to it. Computers often make me sick, and my symptoms have truly overwhelmed me in the past few months. However, I’m thrilled to say that this week I’ve felt better. I’ve had more energy, and my mental clarity has felt just a bit sharper. I’m even happier that I’m feeling better today of all days.
Today happens to be my birthday.
I think that feeling the way I do today will be one of the best gifts I’ll receive!
Today I turn 20. Where all the years have gone, I have no idea. I wish I could have a few of them back! I feel older than my age, not surprisingly. But I’m so glad that in reality I am just 20 and not 83 – like I feel many days. My wish this year is that I’ll finally be feeling well enough to live a little. I have dreams and adventures, things to do and places to see! I’d like to start crossing things off my bucket list! If today is an example of the year ahead… I think my wish will be coming true : )
Another phrase my LLMD said to me in my appointment has stuck with me also. She said, “You’re doing amazing.” Imagine that… I’m doing amazing! I think she was as surprised as I am.
I’d like to celebrate my new year each amazing moment at a time. I’m going to savor them.
Peace and healing,
I have both exciting and nerve-wracking news share with you! My current LLMD has been recommending that I seek a consult with a more specialized and experienced LLMD since last winter. We’ve been putting off this move because, quite honestly, the expense of a non-insured LLMD is astronomical. However, my health has been steadily declining since January of this year. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that 2011 has been one of my absolute worst years in the course of my illness. My LLMD has admitted that I’m beyond her abilities at this point.
We took the plunge.
An appointment with a new LLMD was scheduled. The only problem? I was distraught to hear that I wouldn’t be seen until December. I knew I didn’t want to go on living like I have been. I hoped for something – just something – to surface.
And, here comes the exciting news – it did! This week we received a call saying that if I wished I could take an appointment that was open after a cancelation. We took it!! I see the new LLMD next Wednesday, the 7th of September!!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers sending positive, healing vibes for next week’s appointment! I’m hoping to receive some expert guidance and a new treatment protocol.
At the moment I’m feeling overwhelmed with the intense paperwork required, the tests I haven’t had done yet, and the thought that I have a 3 hour appointment ahead of me where my whole story and every single symptom from the last three years will need to be retold and analyzed. I’m excited, nervous, and crossing my fingers that this doctor will finally hold the answer I so desperately need.
I’m taking many, many deep breathes, drinking tea to soothe my stomach and my soul, trying to recapture lost memories, and generally taking this all as it comes. One action, one thought, one moment at a time.
“May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.”
Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the day I’ve worked to earn for the past four years, no matter how impossible it felt. Tomorrow I graduate from high school!
I could cry. I honestly, seriously, could cry. I was told two years ago that there was no possible way I would ever be able to catch myself up enough in order to graduate with my class. I wanted to prove to myself that even with my health in the state it was, I wasn’t going to let my life get pulled out from under me.
I needed to prove to myself I could do it. And, I have. I did it. I worked at home with tutors, through summers, and online in order to complete high school and still continue my treatment. I know my family and friends are incredibly proud of me. And I’m genuinely proud of myself.
I couldn’t tell you how I did it. I wish I had a secret to pass on to those others working though high school with chronic illnesses. The last two years are a blur. But tomorrow I’ll don a royal blue cap and gown and walk across that stage. I know I won’t have to remind myself to smile!
I’ll be back with a celebratory post as soon as I can.
Thank you for your continued support; it has meant so much!
Peace and healing to all!
“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be” – George Sheehan
Please, let me apologize for my (very) prolonged absence. The last few months have been rough, and I think I needed the time away from the blog. It was hard; I felt the loss, but this Babesia has really hit me hard.
However – I have so much to share and so much to tell you! Life hasn’t stopped since I left you. No, it definitely has not. It’s gone marching forward. So far forward that before I knew it January had snuck up on me.
I’m feeling profoundly grateful. And add to that a sense of pride, hope, and determination, too. I’ve officially survived a full year of Lyme treatment! And what a wild, crazy & unexpected year it was! On January 1st, 2009 I took my first dose of Doxycycline, and began my Lyme journey. Three days ago, a full year later, I was with my closest friends as they watched me deftly swallow my Mepron and force down almost 20 pills. But I didn’t care. Do you know why? Because I survived.
Thank you – from the very bottom of my heart – to all those who helped me though this journey, and to those of you who helped me celebrate my anniversary! I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’ve paved the way for my small successes against this disease.
Photos and a longer update will come soon!
It’s a new year, a new decade, and a new year of Lyme treatment. I don’t know what this year has in stock for me. I can’t pretend that I’m prepared for it. But I am ready to feel the victory this time again next year.
Happy belated New Years! Wishing you a peaceful, and a healthy year filled to the brim with joy, happiness, and hope.
“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope”
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” ~ Bill Cosby
I usually leave you with just one quote to ponder with me. But tonight I’m offering two. Hope, and laughter have been some of the best medicine for me this year.