Recently, I’ve been asked by friends and general concerned folks about what I’m feeling and thinking now that I’m headed to Mayo this week. The only answer to pop into my mind? “I… don’t know…”

 

They wonder, am I scared? Nervous? Anxious? Happy? And I tell them, I wish I could put my finger on what it is I’m feeling. I think it will really hit me Thursday morning as we drive up to Rochester what it is I’m in for. Perhaps I’ll have a handle on my feelings then. But now? My rational, cool, calm, and collected side is coming out. Sure, I’m nervous, and scared. I would be crazy not to be. {I have done my googling, after all.} But all the same I feel as if I’m drawing on some inner source of power to help ground me these days.

 

Last week I found a free guided meditation audio clip. I’m drawn towards positive affirmations lately. And I can spend hours searching, pouring over quotes to uplift me, inspire me, and offer some food for thought. But meditation is something I’ve always wished I enjoyed more. I’ve tried to learn, but it takes time and practice. So, I gave this one a shot. Worth a try, right?  And what do you know – it was amazing. I felt free, calm, and happy. I realized a smile had appeared on my face. It was shorter than 10 minutes in total, but I can still feel those sensations I had as I was lost in the beautiful images and words being spoken to me.

 

I’ve found myself closing my eyes and simply breathing since that episode last week. In, and out. Deep breaths. I can hear the cars driving by down the street, the clock ticking in the kitchen, or Wilson barking in the back yard. My mind is clear, and in the exact present moment for just a time. It’s simple meditation. But I’m doing it. And yes, I can tell that somewhere inside myself are those emotions I felt the other day. And it’s such a beautiful feeling.

 

I’m hoping, and praying that I remember to take a couple spare moments at Mayo this week to take a few deep breaths. Perhaps I can find that grounded feeling, for just a moment, when I need it most.

 

I can feel the stress and the physical symptoms taking a toll on my body. Going off my medications has been tough going the past few days. My stomach is a mess. I’m having weird, random nerve pain, tingling, and numbness. I’ve got a headache that comes and goes. I shake like a leaf. And I’m tired. So incredibly tired. One moment I’ll be fine. And the next I’ll have pushed my limits. The line is not only gray, but blurry when it comes to my limitations and that I’m not used to.

 

Peace and healing, molly

“Change the way you look at things and things you look at change.”  – Dr. Wayne Dyer
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