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Toxins.

My LLMD brought up The Big Bad Word at my appointment this week. I hate the word toxins. Even more so do I hate the word toxic. I’m a visual person, and the word “toxic” brings with it only bad images.

I see hazmat suits and warning signs.

My LLMD appointment was on Tuesday. My LLMD is moving to a new building this month, and the next time I see her will be there. I can’t wait. For me, atmosphere means a lot. The clinic I have been seeing her at for months makes me ill. They have those lights that buzz, the nurses wear too much perfume, and the overall feeling of the place is sterile. It has nothing that stimulates healing for me. I really hope that the new office will be more suited for her; I really do. We patients deserve it.

My appointment can be summed up by the title of this post: The Big Bad Word.

I went in feeling that I was herxing. I know what this feeling is. My body is slowly becoming overwhelmed by toxins. The newest antibiotic trio has been working. But, is it too much? If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’ll know that I’ve always been sensitive to treatments.

I feel as though I take two big steps forward in treatment. I make progress. I taste it. Then, my body forces me to back up again. I feel as though I’ve been in the same place for months. What has changed? Very little, actually. I had those great 3 weeks, and since then I’m back to where I was.

I’m frustrated.

My body is trying desperately to detox. I’m breaking out in whole-body sweats. My skin literally itches. My body is showing signs of trying to shed these toxins but it needs help. I left her office with the names of two new supplements to add to my regime which will aid in the detoxification. One I still need to order, and the other is in the mail already. I should be starting at least that one next week.

My antibiotic dosage has also been slightly reduced in order to help my body adjust. We’ll see if between these things I’ll see a difference. I hope so. Right now I’m living in a fog. My head feels as though it will explode at any moment, and my overall pain levels are increasing. My fatigue has struck again. What I laughingly refer to as my memory is becoming tiresome. I’m shaking like a leaf.

My daily functionality differs day by day.

Today I had plans to go shopping with my best friend. We ended up staying at my house, making popcorn, and watching Robin Hood: Men in Tights. All in all – it was a great day!! I’m grateful for it. I had so much fun. I laughed. I smiled. We talked. I loved this day. But our plans changed because suddenly this afternoon I was hit unexpectedly with a wall of fatigue.

I literally turned off my computer, the lights, and fell asleep on my couch for 20 minutes. I never take naps. When I do, I know it’s serious.

Maybe that’s why I enjoyed Robin Hood: Men in Tights so much today… humor to heal the herx? I’m willing to give that a try. Anyone ever tried detox by laughter?

Laughter heals – that much I know. But does it detox?

Well, it can’t hurt :)

 

Wishing you health & healing,

molly

 

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby

I’ve been meaning to write this for over a month now, but I’ve never gotten very far on it. Oh, I’ve opened my writing program, dashed out a few lines now and then, but it never felt right. Nothing ever clicked. Nothing ever seemed right. It still doesn’t.

But I’ve decided {albeit belatedly} that this is what needs to be told. This difficulty to write is a symptom. Writing has never come hard to me. This, this isn’t normal. No. It’s a symptom, and I want to have this chronicled, if not for myself then for all those others out there who know what I’m talking about.

I feel as if there is literally a blockage in my brain. The frontal lobe has separated, and I can’t connect the pieces. I feel as if most days all I get accomplished is simply running around after myself picking up the small bits I keep dropping, only that I won’t notice until tomorrow that I really didn’t pick up any more than I missed.

Two steps forward, one back. Two thoughts forgotten, one remembered.

I feel disconnected. My body is telling me things and I’ve lost the decoder key. That’s never good.

I see my LLMD this week. I’m still not sure what I’m going to tell her. Maybe writing this will help me pick out the bullet points, I don’t know. A month ago I didn’t know what to tell her either – other than exactly what she had been waiting for me to say. I told her that I was placing myself in her hands, and she could do with me what she willed.

Of course, I’ve been doing that for over a year. But this is different. I told my doctor that the time has come for me to hand myself over to her. I have no school, no job, limited plans, and an entire year to concentrate on healing myself. I told her that she could throw at me whatever treatment she felt would be best for me and not worry about how the treatment would affect my life. This is what this year is for, I told her.

You should have seen her face.

She knew this was coming, and was she ever prepared. I’m now on a trio of antibiotics which are supposed to be working in unison, as well as an herbal tincture. I won’t get into the specifics of medication names – maybe I will at a later date – but I’m absolutely sure that I’ve gotten myself into exactly what I knew I would.

I’ve opened a door, and walked through it. I’ve committed. This is Lyme Disease treatment, baby; and I’m grateful for it!

At first I was shocked. I didn’t feel a horrible herx. Every day I took my dose in the morning, afternoon, and at night and just waited. I waited to feel something. And I did. Soon, I felt –gasp– better!

Each day flew by. I was making jewelry, rolling paper beads and listing items on Etsy. I was talking to friends. I was doing things!

One morning I felt different, and not in a good way. I spent that day on the couch. I gave myself time. And the next day I was up, feeling great again! I couldn’t understand it – but I wasn’t questioning it. About another week went by before I spent another day completely on the couch. Then, slowly, I began to notice more symptoms each day. Little things piled up.

Cold sweats, heart palpitations, constant, nagging headaches, and brain fog crept up on me until before I knew it they felt normal again.

I’m so, so grateful for those blissful few weeks! They gave me time to feel my feet grow steady under me. I enjoyed them! I was tired, of course, but I was never actually sure whether I was tired from being sick or tired from doing too much because I felt so good. Those are the days I would choose to live over again. When I look back on this month, they are the ones that I remember. I don’t recall what caused me to spend a day on the couch 3 weeks ago. But I do remember getting to listen to live Irish music downtown with one of my oldest friends. I do remember all the jewelry I made, and the family who lovingly supported me whilst doing it. I remember the days that I could cook, rather than the times I was too sick to eat, even though I know both of those things happened. They must have. 

Some of these things I’ll blame on the whole horrible-memory-due-to-neurological-Lyme-disease thing, but I want most of the credit for this to go to the fact that there were just so many more good days than there were bad, and that’s something that I haven’t gotten to say in a really, really long time!

I might be hitting a herx now, but I had some great days before it hit. I think we’re on the right track. And I think now I have a better idea of what I’ll be sharing with my doctor this week.

As far as my blogging goes – look for me. I’m intent on sharing my healing journey with you all, and that involves the ups, and the downs. And I’m telling myself that my writing won’t improve at all by ignoring it. I need to polish the tarnish away, sweep away the cobwebs, and join the land of the bloggers again.

 

In peace & healing,

molly

 

“Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.”  – Albert Schweitzer

Last spring I celebrated my high school graduation with you. It was a huge accomplishment for me, and your support along the way was amazing! Your support of the blog, of me, and of my story has changed the way I live with Lyme. Truly.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I have a treating doctor; I have everything I need to heal – antibiotics, supplements, herbs, family, friends, and the list goes on, and on, and on. What I struggle with is the need for time. Lyme doesn’t follow a schedule. There is no end date, no final deadline. It just is.

This last year has been an exceptionally hard one for my family and I. It feels like blow, after blow has fallen upon us. I won’t go into the details but I’ve been shown how strong my family is. We have hope and we have courage.

They are an inspiration to me. And they are one of the reasons that I have been given the opportunity to take this school year off. I’m taking an entire year and dedicating it to myself. My priority is to heal. I’m giving my body what it’s screaming for – time.

I’m giving myself time when I feel that I need it. I have the luxury to truly listen to my body, and I’m grateful for it.

However I also want to enjoy this time.

I’m marking events on my calendar. I’m teaching preschool. I want to write, to learn, to create. But most of all I want to be happy. I want to look back at this year and not regret my decision to put off my schooling. I want to make this year worth it.

I can’t let it slip through my fingers…

And that leads me to my big announcement!

This month I opened my own Etsy store. I’ve always been creative in one way or another. My passion has been jewelry making. Years ago while I was in middle school I started my own business – I sold the jewelry I made at two local gift shops and my mom toted me and my work to craft fairs. I loved it!

My parents have always supported me, and they taught me that I really can do whatever I set my mind to. Well I figured that if I did it then, I can do it again now, and better!

My new store is called Seeking Serendipity. Please, follow the link and check it out!! Your support will mean the world to me. Keep an eye on the shop – new items will be added as I complete them!

I’m taking a leap of faith…

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… and hoping it works out!

My goal is to offer an opportunity to purchase an upcycled, stylish and completely unique piece of jewelry, handmade by me! I handcraft paper beads out of repurposed papers and seal them with a ton-toxic & water based sealer. My beads are both totally unique and eye-catching! PErfect for an earth-friendly lifestyle.

Looking for one-of-a-kind jewelry this holiday season? My paper bead jewelry could be the answer you’re looking for. Or, maybe you’ll find that perfect gift idea at the Lymenaide Holiday Bazaar! I’ll be joining this event soon – and I’m excited to be involved! Check us all out, and support those in some way connected with Lyme Disease.

Spread the word!

More from me soon,

Peace & healing,

molly

 

“Sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.” – Kobi Yamada

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