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It’s too late to do anything and too early to sleep. So I go through my options. I could read, but I’m not excited about my library book at the moment. I could watch a movie. Oh, wait, I already watched two today. Or, I could come talk to you, lovely readers!
How are you? Are you having a good holiday season? I certainly hope so! Living in Minnesota, we’ve had enough snow lately to guarantee a white Christmas like I’ve never seen before. I live on top of a hill and some of the windblown snow heaps were thigh-high last weekend! We were literally snowed into the house for a while there. And it’s cold too.
I’ve kept inside. I love winter, but this year I’ve lived it indoors, usually from the comfort of my couch with a cup of tea in hand and a classic movie playing on my dvr. To be fair, I’ve watched a few Christmas movies! I have to do what I can to get in the spirit of things.
I have to admit though, I’ve been feeling awful for days and I can’t seem to get into the holiday spirit. Yet. I know I will, I always do. I love Christmas. It’s full of family, and food, and laughter. Warm memories. Part of my problem is that fact that I’ve been feeling too ill to bake cookies. Every day I wander into the kitchen, look at my shiny new set of cookie cutters on the counter and sigh.
“Not today. Tomorrow.” I tell myself.
I don’t know what’s going on with me, but something is. Maybe I’m herxing, or I’m beginning to become more toxic. I don’t know. I need to tell my LLMD but I’m not sure what to say. I’ve been trying to think of how to describe this, but no concise explanation is coming to mind.
My head aches. My abdomen is swollen with the feeling that it’s my actual organs that are so painful. I’m dizzy, fatigued, nauseous. I’m shaking like a leaf and am conscious of my rapid pulse. My limbs are falling asleep when they shouldn’t. I know I should exercise more, I really am too sedentary, but this is getting ridiculous! Yesterday I was crouching down when my leg began to fall asleep. I’m growing somewhat used to this, so I ignored it for a few moments longer. Bad choice, Molly. When I stood up I had a horrifying moment where I couldn’t move or feel my leg. My foot wouldn’t leave the ground. The moment I stopped trying, my foot jerked out of place and I would have fallen if I hadn’t caught myself on a nearby chair. In this ordeal I rolled my ankle, too!
Today I spelled my name wrong while I was writing my signature.
All I feel like doing is curling up into a ball and waiting for it to be over. This too shall pass, right? That’s what I keep telling myself.
Lately I’m canceling plans with friends, avoiding cooking, and I’m sure my tone of voice isn’t doing me any justice. Here I am, a week away from Christmas and I want to spend the days wrapped in blankets on the couch. I’m barely moving.
I was having a tough few days before I saw my acupuncturist this week. I told her all about my LLMD’s concerns over toxicity, and she got to work. I’ve steadily gotten worse since then. I think some of the toxins have been released, and I’m working to get them out. A detox Epsom salt bath is on the docket for tomorrow! And I’m very grateful to have another acupuncture appointment next week.
Tomorrow is a new day. I have hope it’ll be a better one than today. I’d love to start getting some of the Christmas decorations up around the house. Who knows, maybe I really will get to make those cookies tomorrow!
Peace & healing,
Instead of a quote, I thought I’d post a photo of a quote tonight. I like to change it up :)
The other night I saw this in the book I was reading and I thought I’d share it.
First off, did any other bloggers watch the new House episode about the compulsive blogger? Whew. I’m not going to lie – that just made me laugh! I’m happy to know that I’m not as obsessive about this as I could be. Not to say I don’t love you all, but I’m convinced my life must just not be as exciting as hers (thankfully)! I’m enjoying the relatively free schedule I’ve got before the storm of Spring of my senior year arrives with the melting of the snow. But, that’s another post altogether.
I want to talk about the actual storm of the moment.
Today a friend asked me how I was. It’s a simple question. I get asked it all the time, and out of habit I always say “I’m good!”. Sometimes, I’ll give out an “Oh, I’m ok.” or a “Eh, I’ve been better.” I’ve learned to tell when people ask this seriously, and when they’re just asking to ask. Today, my friend was serious. They cared about the answer. They wanted to know, and I didn’t want to mislead.
I stalled for time. Putting off the inevitable, I guessed.
Finally my friend asked why I was avoiding the question. And at that moment it struck me that I had been avoiding answering the question because I simply didn’t know the answer. They were serious. I was too. I didn’t know how I was. I don’t know how I am.
I’m not good. But I’ve been so, so much worse.
I continued to give this some thought before I answered. I trusted my gut reaction, and blurted out that life felt like “a blur”. What a contradiction we live treating this disease. Our days feel long. Sometimes, the symptoms make it seem as if a day is an unending trap. But our lives are slipping away faster than we want to accept, at the same time.
These long, long days mixed with the time slipping through my fingers feels like a blur that I can’t see through.
I want a pause button. I don’t want to fast-forward, and I don’t want to rewind. The past is over and finished – it’s meant to be built upon and learned from, not relived. And the future is full of possibilities that I can’t even imagine yet. I want to live my future as it comes, not skipping ahead. But right now is going too fast. And too slow. I want to pause. I want to take a time out. I want to step out of life for a while and return in this exact moment, feeling more prepared to live it.
I didn’t know what to say to my friend. I explained the blur sensation, and remarked about the good mixing with the bad. And with some prodding, I thought about what it is that’s going on.
I’m reliving symptoms that I’ve been trying to escape for years. Not only that, but new ones are appearing. I can live with that. I can even accept it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. And, I’m not. I’m frustrated. I want this stage in my treatment to be finished. I’m ready to feel better now, please.
My doctor has me finishing up a last month of Mepron – the antibiotic from hell. Or, at least one of them. At my most recent appointment after being taken off this medication my doctor listened to me describe the herx reaction. It was… extreme. It was decided that my symptoms off of the Mepron are worse than the damage it is doing to me in the meantime. I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to take that! So here I am back on the Babesia kick meant to keep me from getting worse. In essence, I’m fighting to keep the small progress I’ve made.
And yet, I don’t feel better. I’m living with a constant headache. I’m dizzier than I have been in years. My joints are swollen and painful. My entire body aches. I have no appetite. I’ve got the sweats, and a near-constant temperature. The brain fog is intense. My memory loss is becoming frightening. And I’m not giving up.
I won’t let this disease win. This round isn’t over yet.
I’m taking each day as it comes – the good with the bad. And I’m trying to make the most of the good. But I’d be lying if I said I’m ok. I’m not. I’m just trying to muddle through. Tonight I’m embracing my frustration.
Ask me if I’m ok tomorrow.
I may not have a pause button, but I’ve got my first acupuncture appointment of 2010 tomorrow morning. I’m so happy! I can’t wait for it. And I’ve had craniosacral therapy again twice this month already with another appointment this Friday. That’s almost as good as pausing, isn’t it?
May we all have better tomorrows, always. Each day we’re growing, changing, learning, and best of all, we’re healing. We’re fighting. Each day is bringing us closer to our hopes and dreams.
Yours in peace and healing, molly
Ah, another week completed. And I survived it folks. Week two on antibiotics for my Chronic Lyme Disease has drawn to a close, and what a crazy week it was!
The only reason I’m able to tell when I’ve finished up another week is because I run out of days with pills in them in my 7-day pill container. I love this thing! It has seriously made my life so much easier. I no longer have to open up who knows how many bottles each night, and I’m actually remembering to take my morning medications which is definitely a plus!
I’m still working on getting a routine down that will work for me. I absolutely hate set schedules and times, but I’ve discovered over the years that if I don’t work on creating one for myself I really do suffer. I’ll forget to take meds or supplements, or I’ll forget that we actually have an exercise bike in the basement that I could be riding, or that I have English homework due on Friday. So, instead I’m teaching myself to develop routines that work for me. I take my meds at the same time, I check my classes online every day and work on them in a certain order, and I also have times during the day in which I just know that I need to stop working and just rest. (I’m still working on that whole exercise bike thing…) As much as I hate them, I know I need them. It’s a process… acceptance is the first step, right?
So to continue working things out I’ve added my meds and my supplements to my daily computer calendar so it will actually remind me to take them at a certain time if I set it to. Anyone guessed yet that I haven’t set it quite yet? I’m a bit of a stubborn person… and I tend to adopt the attitude of “I’ll do it myself!!”. For better, or for worse, we shall see.
I’m feeling alright, overall. Some odd symptoms are sneaking back now and again, but so far they’ve been manageable. I’ve still been able to work on my course work for school, I’m really happy about that. This week is the final week of the semester however, so I’m looking forward to the long weekend we’ve got after Friday afternoon. I’ve got plenty of Girl Scouts work to catch up on, and some books I’m dying to just settle down and read for a few hours.
And, who’s not excited about inauguration day?! It’s so soon and yet so far away. I wish I could say I wanted the time to fly by, but I’d really rather it didn’t so I’ll have some time to breathe and finish up my finals projects and papers!
But, I’ll not get a head of myself. I really can’t wait for tomorrow morning though. I’ll be up bright and early tomorrow for an acupuncture appointment. I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. It’s been so long since my last appointment that I can’t even remember when it was! (I’m restraining myself from further comment…)
Anyway, ’till tomorrow,
“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.” ~Greek Proverb