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Those are the words that my LLMD said to me last week. “We’re finally winning.” I can’t even begin to describe what hearing that was like. I heard the words; I smiled. But those fantastic words didn’t sink in right away. I felt… like I was staring down a beautiful cliff, unsure of what I was doing there and what I should be feeling – awe from the spectacular view or fear from being so close to the edge.

I was talking to another Lyme friend of mine recently about how hard it is to trust those words I was told. Here’s a snippet of what I said, “I haven’t ever lost hope of recovery, but somehow this feels different now. It’s not sometime in the future. It’s starting right now. I want to accept that gratefully, but I’m still protecting myself from the possibility I’ll get worse again. It’s a fine line…”.

Like I said, I have never lost hope. I believe that we will all find days of health ahead of us as we recover from these life-altering infections. We will.

However in order to function each day, in order to allow myself to put one step in front of the other, I do have a wall of protection that I keep up. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe not. I don’t know. But I know that it’s there.

I think it was the day after my appointment that they finally began to sink in. I gleefully told my acupuncturist about it the next morning, and I remember the joy in the conversation. I could feel my face light up. That was the first moment it felt real. I hope I never forget that feeling!

Now I think I’ve accepted the fact that I am actually improving. I’m not feeling much of a change in my symptoms, but I can only hope that soon my body will catch up and give me a much-needed break!

I haven’t blogged much this year. I simply haven’t felt up to it. Computers often make me sick, and my symptoms have truly overwhelmed me in the past few months. However, I’m thrilled to say that this week I’ve felt better. I’ve had more energy, and my mental clarity has felt just a bit sharper. I’m even happier that I’m feeling better today of all days.

Today happens to be my birthday.

I think that feeling the way I do today will be one of the best gifts I’ll receive!

Today I turn 20. Where all the years have gone, I have no idea. I wish I could have a few of them back! I feel older than my age, not surprisingly. But I’m so glad that in reality I am just 20 and not 83 – like I feel many days. My wish this year is that I’ll finally be feeling well enough to live a little. I have dreams and adventures, things to do and places to see! I’d like to start crossing things off my bucket list! If today is an example of the year ahead… I think my wish will be coming true : )

Another phrase my LLMD said to me in my appointment has stuck with me also. She said, “You’re doing amazing.” Imagine that… I’m doing amazing! I think she was as surprised as I am.

I’d like to celebrate my new year each amazing moment at a time. I’m going to savor them.

 

Peace and healing,

molly

Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the day I’ve worked to earn for the past four years, no matter how impossible it felt. Tomorrow I graduate from high school!

I could cry. I honestly, seriously, could cry. I was told two years ago that there was no possible way I would ever be able to catch myself up enough in order to graduate with my class. I wanted to prove to myself that even with my health in the state it was, I wasn’t going to let my life get pulled out from under me.

I needed to prove to myself I could do it. And, I have. I did it. I worked at home with tutors, through summers, and online in order to complete high school and still continue my treatment. I know my family and friends are incredibly proud of me. And I’m genuinely proud of myself.

I couldn’t tell you how I did it. I wish I had a secret to pass on to those others working though high school with chronic illnesses. The last two years are a blur. But tomorrow I’ll don a royal blue cap and gown and walk across that stage. I know I won’t have to remind myself to smile!

I’ll be back with a celebratory post as soon as I can.

Thank you for your continued support; it has meant so much!

 

Peace and healing to all!

molly

 

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”           – George Sheehan

Please, let me apologize for my (very) prolonged absence. The last few months have been rough, and I think I needed the time away from the blog. It was hard; I felt the loss, but this Babesia has really hit me hard.

However – I have so much to share and so much to tell you! Life hasn’t stopped since I left you. No, it definitely has not. It’s gone marching forward. So far forward that before I knew it January had snuck up on me.

I’m feeling profoundly grateful. And add to that a sense of pride, hope, and determination, too. I’ve officially survived a full year of Lyme treatment! And what a wild, crazy & unexpected year it was! On January 1st, 2009 I took my first dose of Doxycycline, and began my Lyme journey. Three days ago, a full year later, I was with my closest friends as they watched me deftly swallow my Mepron and force down almost 20 pills. But I didn’t care. Do you know why? Because I survived.

Thank you – from the very bottom of my heart – to all those who helped me though this journey, and to those of you who helped me celebrate my anniversary! I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’ve paved the way for my small successes against this disease.

Photos and a longer update will come soon!

It’s a new year, a new decade, and a new year of Lyme treatment. I don’t know what this year has in stock for me. I can’t pretend that I’m prepared for it. But I am ready to feel the victory this time again next year.

Happy belated New Years! Wishing you a peaceful, and a healthy year filled to the brim with joy, happiness, and hope.

Cheers!

 

“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope”

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” ~ Bill Cosby

I usually leave you with just one quote to ponder with me. But tonight I’m offering two. Hope, and laughter have been some of the best medicine for me this year.

rain … Come again another day! Or, you know, not. That’s good too. My mom and I commiserated this morning over our rain/weather-induced pain. I just hurt. I ache. At times, I even throb. My head feels like it could pop right off at any moment from the pressure. My energy levels are spent. Today is one of those days that I was hoping to get a lot done, and I haven’t yet accepted the fact that most of it won’t happen. Instead I just want to make my new favorite popcorn {black pepper!} and curl up in a pile of blankets with my new DVD set of Hitchcock films. That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Days filled with dark, stormy, wet weather and high humidity levels are energy-sucking days. I don’t function well in weather like this. Yesterday I was surprised how “normal” I felt in spite of the tornado weather and unrelenting rain fall. Today, I’m taking the beating.

 

And do you know what the kicker to the rain is? The sound of the constant water falling to the street in sheets, hitting the windows, and over-flowing from the rain barrel outside the window is actually making me have to pee even more! Now not only is my inflamed gut pushing down on my poor bladder, but the rain is like a mental trigger each time I stop to enjoy the tranquility of the sounds! Let’s hope I don’t pee my pants from laughing at this little irony.

 

To fully distract myself I’ll move on to another subject. Yesterday I shamelessly dangled a hint of my good news in front of your eyes. For those, like me, who might need a reminder: I think that’s all I can update for now. I’ve got some friends waiting for me :)  I’ll finish it up soon, no worries! But I’ll give a hint: I’ve got great news from my eye specialist!

 

Are you ready? I won’t tease you anymore! I invite you to help me celebrate:

 

I’m absolutely ecstatic to announce that yesterday we found out that my eyes are 100% back to normal!!! No more hemorrhages, no more inflammation, no more anything! No more signs of any increased intracranial pressure whatsoever! My wait in the waiting room was longer than the time I spent in my appointment. It was in and out, quick and easy, painless and full of only good news! I would go to the doctor every day just to hear only news of good health. Wouldn’t you? It was a nice, refreshing change for me. And I’m relieved! After looking at my eyes yesterday my doctor said, “You really had me worried for a while there!”.

 

Saying that this is good news is an understatement. I’ve been through so much with this since February. I’m ready for this to be over. I’m ready to get back on track in treating my disease! After an ER visit, 3 eye doctors in addition to my LLMD, and MRI and a MRV, 3 spinal taps, and a visit to the Mayo Clinic I’m actually done! I can hardly believe it. All those months of pain, of confusion, of worry and test, after test are resolved. And to think it was all caused by just a month of Doxycycline in January and was exasperated by a rare side-affect of months of Levaquin. No one thought it could be the antibiotics because I had stopped the Doxy so long before my symptoms occurred and Levaquin wasn’t even considered to be the cause of the problem. No one expected that it would take me almost a full 7 months to fully recover if antibiotics were to blame. But, turns out they were and it did take me that long to come to the place where I’m at now.

 

I’m so incredibly thankful for all of those who helped me get through this! My parents and my family were amazing. They truly are the pillars of my support system, and my wonderful friends were there for me at every twist and turn down that long road. My doctors however, deserve so much credit. Without my LLMD’s attention to detail in this situation I could have undergone surgery for a shunt to release the pressure. Thank God I didn’t go down that route needlessly. And thank you to all of you who read this blog. Knowing that you were here and listening to me as I traversed this obstacle made all the difference.

 

I’m slowing dosing down on my Diamox, and in a month I’ll be completely off of it. I can’t wait! And in 2 months I’ll see my eye specialist again just to check on how my body is handing being off of the medication.

 

Peace and healing, molly

 

“If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

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