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It’s so hard to gauge where I am in my healing process. And. it’s hard to admit that, too. I’m functioning… to a point. I’m not spending every waking hour on a couch anymore. But I’m not even close to feeling how I wish I were feeling. I like to think that I’m in touch with my body. I have an awareness that it’s taken me years to become comfortable with. Lately, I feel disconnected.

I’m not even sure I can put my finger on a the words to describe how I feel.

At my last LLMD appointment my doctor looked at me and asked me honestly what timeline I had in my mind for continuing treatment. I was quick to say that I didn’t have one. I know that I’ve got years, and years ahead of me before I’m where I need to get. I went untreated for sixteen years. I’d rather not disillusion myself about that.

After some discussion we decided to back down on my treatment. Again. It feels right to me, yet at the same time it’s so absolutely counter-intuitive. My first reaction is to treat the crap out of these infections. The harder and quicker we do that, the sooner my life will be in my own hands again. I’m doing my best to not disillusion myself here, either.

Sometimes it’s just time to walk away. Find the next window to climb through, since doors seem to be barred.

My LLMD uses both traditional antibiotics as well as herbals to treat Lyme. I’ve always used both in my own treatments. I felt that taking the middle road worked for me. It made sense.

Last month I stopped taking the herbal tinctures. I still have supplements galore, but the tinctures were too much for my poor body to handle along with the antibiotics. So for now I’m depending on my three antibiotics to do their job… and I’m doing the best I can to cope with the havoc I feel within me.

I’m having migraines again. They suddenly reared their ugly head last month after about 5 months without them. Needless to say, I was not happy to have them back. When I’m not having a migraine, I’ve got a headache. Always. I have had rashes appear overnight. My abdomen is swollen again. I ache. And I cannot for the life of me stop sweating. (Yes, I  know that’s gross. I also know many people reading this will understand.) Hot sweats, cold sweats – you name it. They won’t stop. It’s incredibly uncomfortable, let me tell you! I can be at home resting, out with friends, or just sleeping, and I’ll break out in a sweat. UGH. On top of that I still haven’t gotten rid of the shakes.

These things could point to toxicity and my body trying to detox it. Or, I could be having a herx. I’m really not sure! My LLMD was worried about neurotoxicity at my appointment. By no means am I an expert… but that just doesn’t sound promising…

My next appointment is in January. Actually, I think this is awesome. My appointment is on 1-11-11 at 11 o’clock. Totally by accident too!! We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I’m going to do all I can to help myself make it through the craziness that is the holidays.

Today was actually a great day! I took it easy because last night I went out. I’m SO proud of myself. I managed to take a shower, wash my hair, get dressed, make lunch/dinner, clean my room, and reacquaint myself with my make-up – all before I went out to surprise my brother for his birthday. My sister-in-law arranged for family to meet him at his favorite comedy club for a show, and he had no idea!! It was so much fun! I haven’t laughed that much in ages – and those that know me personally will vouch for the fact that I laugh a lot! I’d never been to a live comedy show, either. So it was exciting :)

I was worried that today I’d be paying for it, but I feel pretty good! I’ve got my normal headache, and I’m a bit dizzy when I stop and think about it. Oh, and those sweats haven’t disappeared. But I was expected much, much worse. YAY!

I woke up late this morning. The house was empty, and peaceful. My whole day was like that. I even felt a huge creative spark this afternoon. I sat down with my beads for hours. It felt so good! I think it had something to do with the fact that today I’m wearing my purple leggings… color always inspires me.

I’m hoping the rest of my week will continue to look up!

Peace and healing,

molly

 

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mahatma Gandhi

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Toxins.

My LLMD brought up The Big Bad Word at my appointment this week. I hate the word toxins. Even more so do I hate the word toxic. I’m a visual person, and the word “toxic” brings with it only bad images.

I see hazmat suits and warning signs.

My LLMD appointment was on Tuesday. My LLMD is moving to a new building this month, and the next time I see her will be there. I can’t wait. For me, atmosphere means a lot. The clinic I have been seeing her at for months makes me ill. They have those lights that buzz, the nurses wear too much perfume, and the overall feeling of the place is sterile. It has nothing that stimulates healing for me. I really hope that the new office will be more suited for her; I really do. We patients deserve it.

My appointment can be summed up by the title of this post: The Big Bad Word.

I went in feeling that I was herxing. I know what this feeling is. My body is slowly becoming overwhelmed by toxins. The newest antibiotic trio has been working. But, is it too much? If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’ll know that I’ve always been sensitive to treatments.

I feel as though I take two big steps forward in treatment. I make progress. I taste it. Then, my body forces me to back up again. I feel as though I’ve been in the same place for months. What has changed? Very little, actually. I had those great 3 weeks, and since then I’m back to where I was.

I’m frustrated.

My body is trying desperately to detox. I’m breaking out in whole-body sweats. My skin literally itches. My body is showing signs of trying to shed these toxins but it needs help. I left her office with the names of two new supplements to add to my regime which will aid in the detoxification. One I still need to order, and the other is in the mail already. I should be starting at least that one next week.

My antibiotic dosage has also been slightly reduced in order to help my body adjust. We’ll see if between these things I’ll see a difference. I hope so. Right now I’m living in a fog. My head feels as though it will explode at any moment, and my overall pain levels are increasing. My fatigue has struck again. What I laughingly refer to as my memory is becoming tiresome. I’m shaking like a leaf.

My daily functionality differs day by day.

Today I had plans to go shopping with my best friend. We ended up staying at my house, making popcorn, and watching Robin Hood: Men in Tights. All in all – it was a great day!! I’m grateful for it. I had so much fun. I laughed. I smiled. We talked. I loved this day. But our plans changed because suddenly this afternoon I was hit unexpectedly with a wall of fatigue.

I literally turned off my computer, the lights, and fell asleep on my couch for 20 minutes. I never take naps. When I do, I know it’s serious.

Maybe that’s why I enjoyed Robin Hood: Men in Tights so much today… humor to heal the herx? I’m willing to give that a try. Anyone ever tried detox by laughter?

Laughter heals – that much I know. But does it detox?

Well, it can’t hurt :)

 

Wishing you health & healing,

molly

 

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby

Lately, I’ve been working to make sure and do what’s best for me right now, in the moment, as it happens. Most of my minutes however, seem planned out. I wake up, and have supplements and probiotics to take. Then I have to wait at least an hour until I can eat breakfast. I read the paper, wander out to my raspberry patch to pick a few berries, check my Facebook and Twitter. You know, all the normal things. Then suddenly I have to think about when I’m allowed to take my vitamins, and my afternoon medications, and my early evening medications, and then my nightly dose of fiber, and then, my night medications. It’s a lot. It’s really a lot. Add onto that summer school and you have one tired girl. It feels as if moment after moment I have something, somewhere, that I should be doing, or taking.

 

One of those things is my detox baths. I do like taking them. The Epsom salt in them makes the steaming hot water not hurt my muscles, which used to be the case. I couldn’t take baths for years because the hot water would make me feel horrible. I’ve tried to make them as enjoyable as possible. I have a plethora of essential oils to choose from and add depending on my mood or how I’m feeling. So in the winter these baths are wonderful. Quite pleasant. Extremely tiring and exhausting, yes; but worth the effort to detox my body. I can tell when I need it. However…

 

Piping hot Epsom salt detox baths are fine in the freezing Minnesota winter months, but in the summer heat I’m strangely not drawn to them. I wonder, “Where’s my motivation?”. And then I realize, “Oh yeah; The motivation is not feeling like crap any more!”. So I go run a bath, sweat it up, and don’t accomplish much of anything for the rest of the day. Yeah, sounds about right.

 

I’m exhausted now, and I didn’t even have time for a bath today. Instead my mom and I took a trip out to a local natural foods store to check out their Gluten-free options. We went in searching for bulk flours and a loaf of bread. A few hours and a cart of of Gluten-free goodies later, we heard a voice. Turned out to be the loudspeaker, thank God, announcing that the sale of 10% off all your Gluten-free food items would be over in 10 minutes. Needless to say, we dropped the search for a  bread mix and ran to the register!

 

In that store I was in heaven! All Gluten-free items were marked with red tags on the shelf. Do you know how much simpler that made our shopping? They had so many options for us to choose over we were almost overwhelmed. Perhaps the most thrilling is their selection of bulk flours. So much more inexpensive than we’re used to paying! We found noodles, pizza crusts, bread sticks, pretzels, oatmeal, and goat milk yogurt! And so much more. No question about it – we’ll be going back! We must have been there a few hours. Sure, we’ve seen a lot of these things before. But this time we given options, so many more ideas, products, and foods that we could trust.

 

So what did we do when we got home? My mom and I dug up all the empty jars in the basement and labeled our new bulk flours, rice, and noodles. They all have red tags on them clearly stating that they’re Gluten-free with the cooking directions right there. Every time I open that cabinet I just get a smile on my face. Our food, and my dad’s food, all arranged neat and tidy. I need to be able to see my food, or I’ll forget it’s there. Honestly!  I also cleared out all our kitchen food cabinets. I rearranged, threw out, and emptied the contents. One shelf is now only and completely Gluten-free. There’s no crumbs in it and no confusion involved. I know that I can eat every single thing on that shelf! I feel so liberated!

 

Liberated and dead tired that is. I probably did altogether too much stuff today, but it made me happy at the time. I think that must count for something. I believe that I am in the middle of a herx right now though. I’m now on my third week of my newest treatment plan. One week on antibiotics, one week off, and this week I’ve gone back on again. It’s been hard, I won’t lie. My daily headaches are back, as well at the nausea and dizziness, the shakiness, and the pain. I’ve worked though some of it because I need to finish my summer course soon, but there have been times that I knew I needed to stop. I just needed to rest, take a break, and let my body do it’s job.

 

Sometimes, that’s all you can do.

 

Peace and healing, molly

 

“When an illness knocks you on your ass, you should stay down and relax for a while before trying to get back up. “ ~ Candea Core-Starke

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