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Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the day I’ve worked to earn for the past four years, no matter how impossible it felt. Tomorrow I graduate from high school!
I could cry. I honestly, seriously, could cry. I was told two years ago that there was no possible way I would ever be able to catch myself up enough in order to graduate with my class. I wanted to prove to myself that even with my health in the state it was, I wasn’t going to let my life get pulled out from under me.
I needed to prove to myself I could do it. And, I have. I did it. I worked at home with tutors, through summers, and online in order to complete high school and still continue my treatment. I know my family and friends are incredibly proud of me. And I’m genuinely proud of myself.
I couldn’t tell you how I did it. I wish I had a secret to pass on to those others working though high school with chronic illnesses. The last two years are a blur. But tomorrow I’ll don a royal blue cap and gown and walk across that stage. I know I won’t have to remind myself to smile!
I’ll be back with a celebratory post as soon as I can.
Thank you for your continued support; it has meant so much!
Peace and healing to all!
“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be” – George Sheehan
First off, did any other bloggers watch the new House episode about the compulsive blogger? Whew. I’m not going to lie – that just made me laugh! I’m happy to know that I’m not as obsessive about this as I could be. Not to say I don’t love you all, but I’m convinced my life must just not be as exciting as hers (thankfully)! I’m enjoying the relatively free schedule I’ve got before the storm of Spring of my senior year arrives with the melting of the snow. But, that’s another post altogether.
I want to talk about the actual storm of the moment.
Today a friend asked me how I was. It’s a simple question. I get asked it all the time, and out of habit I always say “I’m good!”. Sometimes, I’ll give out an “Oh, I’m ok.” or a “Eh, I’ve been better.” I’ve learned to tell when people ask this seriously, and when they’re just asking to ask. Today, my friend was serious. They cared about the answer. They wanted to know, and I didn’t want to mislead.
I stalled for time. Putting off the inevitable, I guessed.
Finally my friend asked why I was avoiding the question. And at that moment it struck me that I had been avoiding answering the question because I simply didn’t know the answer. They were serious. I was too. I didn’t know how I was. I don’t know how I am.
I’m not good. But I’ve been so, so much worse.
I continued to give this some thought before I answered. I trusted my gut reaction, and blurted out that life felt like “a blur”. What a contradiction we live treating this disease. Our days feel long. Sometimes, the symptoms make it seem as if a day is an unending trap. But our lives are slipping away faster than we want to accept, at the same time.
These long, long days mixed with the time slipping through my fingers feels like a blur that I can’t see through.
I want a pause button. I don’t want to fast-forward, and I don’t want to rewind. The past is over and finished – it’s meant to be built upon and learned from, not relived. And the future is full of possibilities that I can’t even imagine yet. I want to live my future as it comes, not skipping ahead. But right now is going too fast. And too slow. I want to pause. I want to take a time out. I want to step out of life for a while and return in this exact moment, feeling more prepared to live it.
I didn’t know what to say to my friend. I explained the blur sensation, and remarked about the good mixing with the bad. And with some prodding, I thought about what it is that’s going on.
I’m reliving symptoms that I’ve been trying to escape for years. Not only that, but new ones are appearing. I can live with that. I can even accept it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. And, I’m not. I’m frustrated. I want this stage in my treatment to be finished. I’m ready to feel better now, please.
My doctor has me finishing up a last month of Mepron – the antibiotic from hell. Or, at least one of them. At my most recent appointment after being taken off this medication my doctor listened to me describe the herx reaction. It was… extreme. It was decided that my symptoms off of the Mepron are worse than the damage it is doing to me in the meantime. I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to take that! So here I am back on the Babesia kick meant to keep me from getting worse. In essence, I’m fighting to keep the small progress I’ve made.
And yet, I don’t feel better. I’m living with a constant headache. I’m dizzier than I have been in years. My joints are swollen and painful. My entire body aches. I have no appetite. I’ve got the sweats, and a near-constant temperature. The brain fog is intense. My memory loss is becoming frightening. And I’m not giving up.
I won’t let this disease win. This round isn’t over yet.
I’m taking each day as it comes – the good with the bad. And I’m trying to make the most of the good. But I’d be lying if I said I’m ok. I’m not. I’m just trying to muddle through. Tonight I’m embracing my frustration.
Ask me if I’m ok tomorrow.
I may not have a pause button, but I’ve got my first acupuncture appointment of 2010 tomorrow morning. I’m so happy! I can’t wait for it. And I’ve had craniosacral therapy again twice this month already with another appointment this Friday. That’s almost as good as pausing, isn’t it?
May we all have better tomorrows, always. Each day we’re growing, changing, learning, and best of all, we’re healing. We’re fighting. Each day is bringing us closer to our hopes and dreams.
Yours in peace and healing, molly
, originally uploaded by Jessie Koon.
This popped up in my Twitter feed today from Kind Over Matter. All I can say, is that I honestly and absolutely believe that things happen for a reason. One thing happens that causes something else, and before you know it there’s a chain reaction leading to an exact moment in your life. Most of the time these undercurrents go unnoticed in our lives. I love to stop and notice those movements in life, and enjoy the pure the serendipity involved.
This photo is exactly what I needed to see this morning.
I woke up feeling miserable. I was moving slowly, stiffly, nauseously. I couldn’t eat a bite. I could barely stand long enough to get dressed, never mind the make-up. Vertigo swished and swirled around me as I tried to bend down. It was as bad as I’ve been in a long, long time.
And this had been building up all week. Each day worse than the day before it. And this morning I almost cried. Today was the day that I had been asked by my school to tape a PR video testimonial interview. I was so excited to do this. I believe in my school, and it’s mission. This was a chance I jumped at. And I woke up in worse shape than I had imagined.
That’s when I saw this photo. I smiled. And I knew that this was meant for me to see this morning. It brought out that motivation I needed, that knowledge that I could do this. I wanted to do it, and I wanted to do all I could to help myself achieve this.
I pushed myself to swallow my handful of pills and go to my craniosacral appointment. I’m so incredibly grateful for my therapist there. She is amazing -inspiring and motivating me to focus myself for this opportunity, and then focusing herself on my body.
She worked a miracle today.
I just got home from the interview, and it was the most fun I’ve had in a while. And, remember, I’m one of those people who usually have fun doing anything! This was incredible. I’m so grateful, and sincerely happy to have gotten the chance to do this! It was great, and I was great! I pulled something out of myself, and I hope that what I brought to this process today will help someone. I know it was worth it if it does.
I had to share this with you!
Peace and healing, molly