It’s so hard to gauge where I am in my healing process. And. it’s hard to admit that, too. I’m functioning… to a point. I’m not spending every waking hour on a couch anymore. But I’m not even close to feeling how I wish I were feeling. I like to think that I’m in touch with my body. I have an awareness that it’s taken me years to become comfortable with. Lately, I feel disconnected.
I’m not even sure I can put my finger on a the words to describe how I feel.
At my last LLMD appointment my doctor looked at me and asked me honestly what timeline I had in my mind for continuing treatment. I was quick to say that I didn’t have one. I know that I’ve got years, and years ahead of me before I’m where I need to get. I went untreated for sixteen years. I’d rather not disillusion myself about that.
After some discussion we decided to back down on my treatment. Again. It feels right to me, yet at the same time it’s so absolutely counter-intuitive. My first reaction is to treat the crap out of these infections. The harder and quicker we do that, the sooner my life will be in my own hands again. I’m doing my best to not disillusion myself here, either.
Sometimes it’s just time to walk away. Find the next window to climb through, since doors seem to be barred.
My LLMD uses both traditional antibiotics as well as herbals to treat Lyme. I’ve always used both in my own treatments. I felt that taking the middle road worked for me. It made sense.
Last month I stopped taking the herbal tinctures. I still have supplements galore, but the tinctures were too much for my poor body to handle along with the antibiotics. So for now I’m depending on my three antibiotics to do their job… and I’m doing the best I can to cope with the havoc I feel within me.
I’m having migraines again. They suddenly reared their ugly head last month after about 5 months without them. Needless to say, I was not happy to have them back. When I’m not having a migraine, I’ve got a headache. Always. I have had rashes appear overnight. My abdomen is swollen again. I ache. And I cannot for the life of me stop sweating. (Yes, I know that’s gross. I also know many people reading this will understand.) Hot sweats, cold sweats – you name it. They won’t stop. It’s incredibly uncomfortable, let me tell you! I can be at home resting, out with friends, or just sleeping, and I’ll break out in a sweat. UGH. On top of that I still haven’t gotten rid of the shakes.
These things could point to toxicity and my body trying to detox it. Or, I could be having a herx. I’m really not sure! My LLMD was worried about neurotoxicity at my appointment. By no means am I an expert… but that just doesn’t sound promising…
My next appointment is in January. Actually, I think this is awesome. My appointment is on 1-11-11 at 11 o’clock. Totally by accident too!! We’ll see what happens then. In the meantime, I’m going to do all I can to help myself make it through the craziness that is the holidays.
Today was actually a great day! I took it easy because last night I went out. I’m SO proud of myself. I managed to take a shower, wash my hair, get dressed, make lunch/dinner, clean my room, and reacquaint myself with my make-up – all before I went out to surprise my brother for his birthday. My sister-in-law arranged for family to meet him at his favorite comedy club for a show, and he had no idea!! It was so much fun! I haven’t laughed that much in ages – and those that know me personally will vouch for the fact that I laugh a lot! I’d never been to a live comedy show, either. So it was exciting :)
I was worried that today I’d be paying for it, but I feel pretty good! I’ve got my normal headache, and I’m a bit dizzy when I stop and think about it. Oh, and those sweats haven’t disappeared. But I was expected much, much worse. YAY!
I woke up late this morning. The house was empty, and peaceful. My whole day was like that. I even felt a huge creative spark this afternoon. I sat down with my beads for hours. It felt so good! I think it had something to do with the fact that today I’m wearing my purple leggings… color always inspires me.
I’m hoping the rest of my week will continue to look up!
Peace and healing,
molly
8 comments
Comments feed for this article
December 2, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Barbara L. Baker
Hey Molly,
I don’t know if it helps for me to leave any coment here about my own treatments, however,
I just finished one month of minocin (like doxyclene), and boy was I toxic and full of fungal stuff. I was so dizzy and sick. I’m not sure that I gained anything Lyme wise actually.
I found a new doc. With years of lyme experience, and started her plan, and oddly enough I feel better just this week. She says she can get me well without antibiotics.
Now, I have two friends with Lyme who were her former patients. I say former because after a couple of years they’re well…no antibiotics.
Well see.
Take care. Boy its hard for me this time of year. I wanna eat sweets.
Barbara
December 8, 2010 at 6:00 pm
dizzygrl05
Barbara, I love hearing from you! Your comments and updates always make me smile.
Congrats on the new doctor! It’s great that you have friends who can testify to her treatments. That must be a relief. I wish you good luck, and I’m sending healing thoughts :)
I’m allowing myself a few sweets now and again. It HAS to be gluten-free though. I just make sure not to go overboard, and to try to detox extra afterwards (which doesn’t always happen… oops..). My doctor won’t be happy, but I don’t want the joy sucked out of the season for me either.
Much <3!
December 2, 2010 at 9:04 pm
Kim
I took a lot of steps back to get better, too. My doctor kept having to remind me… you’re not at square one, you’re just not at the end. I know how frustrating it can be, but hang in there. I have no doubt you’re going to feel better than ever in the future.
Do detox baths help at all? My skin brush and detox baths helped a lot when I got the shakes. And I would load up on 50billion probiotics a day when I felt that way… for some reason it always seemed to help.
I hope you feel better soon! XO.
December 8, 2010 at 5:56 pm
dizzygrl05
It feels like one step forward, two back…. but I know that’s not right. I keep telling myself that I’m getting better every day. Repetition works, right? :)
Detox baths do help – I actually love them! I should really take more, right now I average 1 a week when I feel best taking 3 or more. I haven’t done any skin brushing in ages. It would help if I could find my brush! I’ll add that to my to-do list. Thanks for the reminder!!
Probiotics helped the shaking?? I would never have thought of that… Hmmm… Maybe I should try that.
December 8, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Kim
I just found that 50 billion probiotics a day helped in general. I think it really helped my body deal with the toxic overload and maintain a good balance of good bacteria to the bad. And then I’d eat lots of prebiotic stuff to feed the probiotics. Like saurkraut or kimchi made with lactic acid. Kim C is a genius when it comes to making that stuff.
My fave probiotics are Bio-K. They are amazing. I mean, I can feel the difference within hours. They’re pricey though (like $4 or $5 each) so these days I only take them once a week and use Renew Life on the other days. But I bought a case of Bio-K a month in my last few months of treatment and I loved them.
Anyway, I’m writing a novel. Hehe. I hope you feel better soon!
December 8, 2010 at 8:00 pm
dizzygrl05
See, now I need to go check out my probiotics and see how much I’m taking! Mine are $$ too but that’s because they’re soil-based, instead of dairy. I’m technically lactose intolerant, although it comes and goes. So we play it safe. Maybe I should start up my kombucha again. That usually helped w/ the detoxing. Totally forgot about that!
Love hearing from you, novel or no novel :)
Much <3!
December 9, 2010 at 11:29 am
Nell
It is hard to accept that ones treatment might need to be backed off a bit. I’m so hyper-sensitive to treatment, I can only handle so much at one time. I am optimistic that my treatment will only take the 2-3 years that my LLMD typically sees with his patients, but I’m not fooling myself — there is NO guarantee I’ll be one of those patients of his.
My body is very sensitive to treatment, so we have to go very slow. But I’m very hopeful I’ll be better again one day. And you have a great attitude about this. You will see your health again — with your outlook, I just know it.
Nell
December 9, 2010 at 11:48 am
dizzygrl05
Ah, I understand. Yes, I tend to be very sensitive to treatment too. I’ve had some scares in the past, and since my LLMD has been very cautious about my treatment plans. I appreciate it, of course, but it can become frustrating!
You are so sweet. I have the highest hopes that we will all come out of this fight with our health back!